Dear Despots, Drivers and Doozies

*This piece was done for The Social Talks as an ode to unruly drivers, rude customers, and evil dictators*


Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here to celebrate and acknowledge the benevolence of unruly drivers, rude customers, and evil dictators.

They are the faction of our community that is majorly responsible for saving our time. They have honored us, wholly and truly by helping us save one-half of the elements that wait for none.

Unruly drivers remind us that every day is so meaningful by demonstrating exactly how precious life is. They are adrenaline junkies who live life on the edge and save many precious seconds each day by their behind-the-wheel wizardry.

Rude customers save precious time by economizing the three seconds or 6-10 seconds (depending on the pleasantries they have been greeted with). After the automation of workspaces, rude customers come a close second in preserving the employees’ times. They refuse to respond to pleasantries; hence employees do not have to listen to them. Also, more often than not, they storm out (or cut the phone) without any dilly-dalliance (i.e., dalliance involving dilly-dallying).

As for evil dictators, they save us the efforts of choosing. How many minutes in your life have you wasted worrying about choosing where you want to eat or what you wish to wear?
Well, evil dictators save you from the irksome act of choosing.
You save precious time and do not have to worry about where, how, and even whether you will live!

So, as we take a moment to laud those who mean so much to us, we must remember that these angelic beneficiaries are the creme de la creme of our society. It is only after years of evolution that the fittest have survived. They are the future, and what lies ahead is snarky.

So, Dear Lord, we pray for these ethereal beings. May their newly bought apparel get caught in a door. May their nails have little bits of painful skin that they need to wrench out. May their cereals become gooey and moist. May their lunchboxes always leak, and may their Zoom meeting unmute itself when they’re doing something embarrassing.

But, most of all, Dear Lord, may they need us more than we need them, and we pay them back in their currency of kindness and divinity.

Lest I forget, the award ceremony today; was sponsored by unlucky pedestrians, the spirits of commercial (especially, minimum wage) workers, and those unevolved enough to die in genocides.

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